


Who Will Be You?

by gay_possum_god



Category: Handsome Devil (2016)
Genre: Gay Male Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Pining, Post-Canon, other tags will be added when they come up, others to be added as they appear - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2020-02-28 08:45:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18752965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gay_possum_god/pseuds/gay_possum_god
Summary: A sequel carrying on from where the movie left off. Mainly from Conor's perspective.





	1. Chapter 1

Dear Conor,

I said on the boat that I wanted to apologize, but I didn’t really get the chance to there. I mean, I did, but I wasn’t able to tell you how really sorry I am.

I, out of everybody, should have known better. I know how hard it is having to face harassment from our classmates everyday. I know what it’s like to be different. I know what it’s like to have everybody see you as an other. But I did that anyway. And I’ll never be able to express how much I regret that.

I know there is nothing I can do to make it better. And I know that the fact that some good did come out of it is no excuse. I know it wasn’t my information to share.

I’d keep saying I was sorry, but that can’t undo what I do. Nothing can. All I can do is hope that you can forgive me at there very lease, and hopefully still let me be your friend.

Love,  
Ned

P.S.  
I’m coming back after winter break, and I’ll see you then. This envelope has my address on it if you want to write back.


	2. Chapter 2

Conor ran his fifth lap around the rugby field, the cold of the December air whistling in his ears and making his nose run. He was warm from running, but his feet were beginning to hurt where his almost numb toes were rubbing against his shoes and his fingers were red and starting to lose feeling.

He began to walk back to the dormitory, not bothering to shower because it was late, he was tired and he knew he would have time in the morning. As he walked up the stairs in the direction of the main school buildings, he cast a glance over to where Ned used to sit and write during rugby practice.

Ned bad been gone from school for two weeks, and Conor knew he wouldn’t be back till after Winter break, but Conor couldn’t stop himself from hoping to see a flash of dyed-red hair out of the corner of his eye. And he couldn’t stop his disappointed when he didn’t.

Conor changed into pajamas and carefully laid his dirty clothes in the laundry bin. He was still not used to having to room to himself or not having Ned’s dirty clothes and loose sheets of paper scattered around the floor. Earlier in the year, he had waited for break when he would be able to return to his clean, unshared room at home, but now, he just wanted his roomate back, in all his messy glory.

Conor sighed and collapsed into bed, closing his eyes, and dozed off almost instantly.

In his dream, Conor’s back on the rugby field, but it’s later at night, and he’s not alone. Ned stands next to him, exactly as he was the last time Conor saw him, with red hair that needed to be cut and a gash on his left cheekbone. He was staring up at the stars, and his breath was fogging in front of his face. Conor thought it was one of the most beautiful things he’d ever seen.

“The stars are beautiful here,” said Ned. “Where my dad and step mom live there’s too much light pollution, but here we can see them all.” Then he smiled and turned to look at Conor. “I guess there is something to be said for the middle-of-nowhere ireland.”

“I know the constellations, you know,” said Conor, not breaking the eye contact Ned had started.

“Really? I didn’t expect that from a rugby player.”

“You tend to have pretty low expectations for rugby players.”

“Well,” Ned shrugged, and swept his arm in the general direction of the main school buildings, “exhibit A.”

Conor smiled. “I learned the constellations from my dad. He said all sailors should know them. Even now that there are GPSs, we should remember the old ways.”

“Your dad seems quite fond of ‘the old ways.’”

“Yes, yes he is.”

There is a moment of silence when Ned looks back at the sky and at all the little pieces of astrol glitter spread out above them, then he says, “I’m cold.”

“You can have my jacket,” Conor offered.

Ned turned back to him. “But then you’d be cold.”

“Well, since you’re the smart one, what do you suggest we do?”

“We could huddle like penguins,” Ned suggested, and Conor’s stomach flipped. But he held his left arm away from his side, and Ned tucked himself under it.

“Or a rugby scrum,” Conor added, just to see Ned scrunch up his face.

“Are you sure it’s not called a dog pile?”

“I think I’m the one who knows more about rugby here.”

“True, but I think it should be called a dog pile.”

Conor smiled, because while he loved rugby, he also loved Ned being clever. And as far as Ned’s comments on rugby went, “dog pile” wasn’t that bad.

Conor felt the sudden urge to kiss Ned, and because it was a dream he did. 

And Ned kissed him back. And while the night air was cold on his exposed skin, Conor could feel Ned’s warmth against his lips and through the layers that separate Ned’s arms and his back.

The kiss started gentle, but soon grew more intense. Soon they found themselves back in their room even though Conor didn’t remember walking there. But he didn’t think about that. And he didn’t think about the fact that all of Ned’s belongings were once again cluttering the left side of the room, and the bed that had been abandoned for weeks was once again covered haphazardly in blankets and pillows.

All Conor thought about was Ned. And all Conor wanted to feel was Ned’s skin against his. And all Conor could say was Ned’s name.

And then he woke up.

And he sighed as he rolled over to see that he had five more minutes till his alarm went off. Those dreams had started becoming more frequent in the two weeks since the game, Ned’s departure and the apology letter. All they did was remind Conor of how much he loved him. But he already knew that. He’d know that almost since day one.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's winter break, and both Ned and Conor having trouble with their parents.

Most years, Ned would have counted down the days till winter break, and once it came his days at home would fly by far too fast. This year, however, the days trudged by slowly.

As sad as the idea of spending Christmas alone is, Ned would have rather been left by himself than had to deal with his dad and stepmom’s constant disappointment. Ned felt like no matter what he did, they were never going to get over the fact that he got suspended.

Added with the weight of his own guilt and shame, the majority of Ned’s break was spent moping around various areas of the house and listening to sad music.

Ned was moping in the attic and wondering what the point of school break was when you were already suspended, when Conor’s first letter arrived.

 

> Dear Ned,
> 
> I’m glad you’ll be back at school soon. The dorm is awfully quiet without you, and it feels weird.
> 
> I only arrived home for break just a few days ago, but I wish it were over already. My older sister is staying at her school for the break, so my parents don’t have anyone else to pay attention to. Not that my dad would care anyway; he’s still unbelievably pissed that I came out at school. I mean, he knew before, but I hadn’t actually told him, so he could just deny it. But now, he just lurks angrily in corners when I’m in the room and glares at me. My mom doesn’t want to get between us, so she locks herself up in the living room and knits. We already have more scarves and sweaters than we will ever have use for. The only one who still treats me the same is my cat, Queenie. (my sister named her).
> 
> Please write back to me. I need something to think about other than my parents. My home address is on the envelope.
> 
> Love,
> 
> Conor

Conor had thought he had loved quiet when his sister, Ana, had first gone off to college and he no longer had to share a bedroom. However, a month of living in his school dorm without Ned, and now at home with no one talking to each other had sufficiently changed his mind.

The only sounds coming through the walls were the clicks of his mom’s knitting needles and his dad’s heavy footsteps pacing through the halls. The only sounds in Conor’s room were the clock ticking and Queenie purring contently in his lap.

Conor could hear his dad’s footsteps stop abruptly mid-pace and turn to move towards the front door. Conor assumed the mail had arrived. He used to wait for the mail every day hoping for a letter from Ned, but had given up after a week of radio silence.

Conor called Ana every week or so when he was at home and emailed her frequently, but at school they weren’t allowed cell phones or computers, and so far Ned had not chosen to share his number or email, so Conor had to wait for the postal system.

That day though, there was a knock on Conor’s bedroom door, and Queenie jerked out of Conor’s lap and skittered under the bed. Conor opened the door, and his dad stood there with a solemn and disapproving face.

“I believe this is for you,” he said stiffly holding out an envelope.

This one didn’t have a return address, but Conor immediately recognized Ned’s handwriting.

“Thanks!” he said, but his dad just grunted and shuffled away down the hall.

> Dear Conor,
> 
> I’m sorry about your family; mine’s not a whole lot of fun right now either. I don’t think my parents are ever going to get over the fact I got suspended. My stepmom’s so disappointed in me, you’d almost think she thought of me as her own son.
> 
> I didn’t realize you had a sister. You never brought her up with me. Does she know about what happened? Is she on your side? Where does she go to school? I feel like I should know all these things considering I am was(?) your best friend. Also the fact you have a cat is so cool. I wanted hermit crabs when I was little, but my parents said no pets.
> 
> Have you been practicing guitar? I have, and if you’re not at my level when we get back, I’m gonna make you sing by yourself next time Mr. Sherry signs us up for a talent show. See you soon!
> 
> Love,  
>  Ned
> 
> P.S.  
>  I was told there will be a new kid next semester, so I won’t be alone coming back from break.

Conor smiled. Maybe he did have a way to avoid the silence after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to update, I got busy with school stuff, but I had time to write over the three day weekend.


	4. Chapter 4

Ned’s car ride back to Woodhill was very quiet. Every time he looked up in the rearview mirror, Natalie quickly looked away. Nobody spoke until they were on campus and the car was parked.

Ned reached for the car door, but his dad cleared his throat.

“You remember that you’re supposed to meet with the principal about your rooming situation, right? I understand that this is very important.”

“Yes, Dad.”

“And you will remember that they didn’t have to let you come back, be much better behaved, and write that essay your English teacher emailed me about?”

“Yes, Dad.” Ned thought that would be it.

“Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

“We’ll miss you.” When she said that, Natalie looked him in the eye for the first time during the car ride.

Ned paused. “You too.” Then he shut the car door firmly (but did not slam it).

* * *

As Ned stared at the increasingly familiar photo of Mr. Curly’s dog, he realized that he had spent more time in the principal’s office that year than he had over the course of his other two years.

“I have reviewed your request about your rooming situation,” Mr Curly said, giving Ned a look which would have been intense eye contact if Ned had been looking at him. “And also Conor’s.” This grabbed Ned’s attention, and he looked up. After a few seconds of eye contact with Mr. Curly, however, he looked back at Spots. “While I have ultimately decided to allow you to continue rooming together I want you to keep two things in mind.”

“Yes,” Ned could feel himself relax.

“Yes, sir.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. Number one is that I will be watching closely and I will swap you out in half a second at the first sign of trouble. Understood?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Also, I almost did not allow this. It was not entirely your letters that convinced me. While gaining new students at the semester change is rare, it is not unheard of. This year is one of those years, and while you certainly deserve to have your rooming requests denied,” even without eye contact, Ned flinched at this, “the other boys certainly have not, and I no longer have another empty room to put you in. So please behave yourself.”

“I will, sir.”

“And, even more than I hope that the consequences of your actions will influence your behavior, I hope you have actually reflected and learned some empathy.”

Ned wasn’t sure how to respond to that.

“But I have no control over that, so you may leave to unpack as long as you keep this conversation in mind.”

“Thank you. I will sir.”

* * *

After all the time they had spent apart, and everything that had happened last time they had seen each other (and since), Ned was prepared for a dramatic reunion. The disappointing reality was that he threw open the door to a mostly empty room.

Conor still had a few items that he had left during break, just so that he wouldn’t have to pack and unpack them, but the room was mostly stripped and lifeless. The furniture that had made up the Berlin Wall, had been back along the wall before Ned left. All of Ned’s belongings had been removed, and now some of them would be returned. The only item that Conor had left that he hadn’t left in a drawer, was the photo of himself on his father’s boat. His boat really, Ned thought.

Ned began unpacking via taking items out of his bag and placing them on the floor. (In two and a half years, Ned’s dorm room had never once been clean.) He put a few posters back up on the walls. First Ned only puts them on his side of the room, but then he decides that Conor’s side looks too empty and balances out the room. Then he wonders if they’re in an okay place for Ned to hang posters on Conor’s side of the room. Ned settles the issue by taking all of the posters off the walls(, placing them on the floor,) lying on his half-made bed, and waiting for Conor to arrive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back and only *checks calendar* almost a year late? I'm actually making an effort to work on all my unfinished writing projects right now, so this should be updated somewhat regularly from this point on and eventually finished.

**Author's Note:**

> I looked up when school rugby seasons end and got wildly varying results, but I decided to make the game have happened in late November, because I feel like if they had gone home for winter break it would have been mentioned. Also disclaimer: I'm American, and I have no idea how rugby works besides the fact that you can tackle people.


End file.
